My emotions are a convoluted mess of contentment, unrest, confusion, and more.  I have gone from losing all hope of a future to not knowing which direction to go in.  From my job, to church, to my personal life I find I'm at multiple crossroads... what direction do I want to take the Sunday School in?  Which graduate school program do I want to apply to?  What's the best way to spend and maximize my time?  I have found I've been highly unproductive today after certain events happened to confuse me and throw my emotions helter-skelter.  I wish I knew what I was doing and what I should do next. . . what should come first and what should come second?  Is there anyway to know what's best for me to do?  This jumble of circular thoughts continue.  I dare not write the thing that is ruminating most in my mind.  I turn it around, confused as ever; wishing I knew the meaning of it. 

"What meanest thou this?" 

I want to scream.  What right is there to say something so sickly sweet as was said?  It feels but bittersweet to me in light of the surrounding circumstances.  I cannot.  I dare not believe it means anything.  I had given up and what is this random ray of light? 

What meanest thou this?????

It's interesting because I find myself questioning so much about myself lately.  With looking to try to make future employers see my worth it's hard.  I know I can do just about anything I set my mind to.  I mean, ASBO raised over 30K in its first year, if I could create a group like that, you'd think I could do just about anything!  I just don't know though.  Who am I?  What am I worth.   ASBO's magic was more than just me though.  Rosie, Jenna, Eric, Sue and Jeff all bought in.  When people all share the same vision you really can get SO MUCH accomplished!  I just don't know.  How can I make my mark in this world.  That's all I really want, I don't care how much money I make, I don't care what I end up as, I just want to make a difference.  If I could just know that my job improves someone else's life I would be content. 

At Ann Taylor we work hard to make our clients' experience as perfect as they want it.  From knowing to leave them alone if they want that to fully wardrobing her from head to toe if she wishes- we'll do what we can to make her happy.  I just don't feel that same sense of gladness as I did when I was on the bus at New Orleans, leaving the worksite that first day.  Our dream of helping the Katrina ravaged residents of New Orleans had come true.  There was nothing like that feeling.  I do feel good knowing I've helped a client find the PERFECT outfit for an event because feeling good about how you look is pretty important but... it's just not like knowing I've helped someone have a roof over their head or that I've saved their life. 

I guess that's the draw of being a doctor.  I want my life to count for something, I want each day that I live to make someone else's better.  Will I ever find that job?  Who would want me?  I know I'm great for an administrative job but... is that really what I want?  What am I doing with my life?  Where do I really want to go? 

 “There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.” Denis Waitley

I've been slowly making changes to my life and it's interesting to see what I'm becoming.  I've decided it's time to get back to one of my first loves-piano and learn how to play by ear so I can play for youth service.  It's also time, i think, to get a hold of my health and actually start working out on a regular basis... I dunno... could be hard since it's soooo much easier NOT to work out haa haa haa ;)

I dunno though- I'm not ready to make any big changes yet.  I NEED to find a D.O. who will let me job shadow him/her and write a recommendation for me to go to the med school that I want but where to find one?  The one I asked turned me down flat. . . . and to go to Kansas City, MO?  and would they even accept me?  I'm not used to pushing for something I don't feel 75-100% confident I'll get.  I've either been practically handed positions or felt very confident when I went for stuff.  The end of last year really hit me hard.  I felt like everything I touched died.  If there were ever the opposite of the midas touch- I had to have had it.  Where is that charmed girl who I once was?  Why am I just the bum living at home now?  I cannot stand the thought of working in a lab day in and day out. . . what was I really ment for in life then?  To be a doctor?  Is that really what I was ment for?  I cannot help but think that maybe it is. . . when I try to see my future the only happy ones I could see myself in are me bent over a child in some impoverished area- maybe the middle east, Africa, China, who knows?- and trying to attend to their needs.  Or else I see myself praying over them.  Would God be good enough to grant me a "Doctors Without Borders- Christian Edition" life?  What's happened to my dreams?  Could those two dreams really be joined into one or am I doomed to choose?